this is where I leave you

[kinglearisstupid]

4.

Once she gets used to it, it's not so bad.

Even the changing becomes acceptable after a while. It's better to be cold for a little bit than cold and Bad Wet for a long time, and don't even get her started on what happens when she gets stinky.

She figures out pretty quickly that she needs to train her mommy and daddy to Do Things Correctly. Doing Things Correctly include not putting her down in the box with the bars. She hates the box with the bars and whenever Mommy or Daddy try to put her inside, she would remind them that she does not approve.

It takes a lot of lecturing but eventually they learn that she prefers sleeping in the bed with them, or in their arms, which she likes even better.

"My sister says we'll spoil her if we keep holding her so much."

"Yeah? What did you tell her?"

"That it's not her I'm worried about, it's my arms. Besides, she's spoiled anyway."

I'm spoiled, she says to Mudgie when she is in the bouncer, which she tolerates in small doses. It's not as good as the bed or arms, but it lets her see different things. Now that her eyes work better, she can see more things. She can see the crack on her mommy's face when Mommy gives her food, which means she is happy. She can see the crack on her daddy's face when he changes her, a crack in a different direction, which means he is not happy.

When she is in the bouncer, she can even see Mudgie. He is big. He smells like dog, because he is one.

Like an egg? Mudgie asks. I ate a spoiled egg once. I had to go to the vet.

He sniffs her some more. You do not smell like a spoiled egg right now. Sometimes you do but not right now. Right now you smell like cookies. You smell like milk bone. You smell delicious. May I lick your head?

I guess so, she says.

There is something tickly and wet on her head, and it feels so funny that she makes a sound. She likes it.

Do it again! she tells Mudgie.

Your wish is my command, tiny master. Mudgie licks her head again and this time she enjoys it so much, she says, One more time! Again! She gets so excited that all her food comes back up and Sergio says, Amateur. I could do that without being licked on the head.

That is when Daddy comes over and says, with the upside down crack on his face, "Down, boy! Bad dog!"

The licking stops and Mudgie goes away.

Why did you do that? she asks Daddy, who doesn't even listen to her. He's busy calling out, "Emily! I think we have a situation here."

A situation that results in something called a bath.

She likes baths. Baths are a good kind of wet. It's also the perfect kind of warm. It reminds her of her old home, like her bouncer does when it moves back and forth, back and forth.

Her face cracks. It hurts.

"Did you see that?"

"See what?"

"She smiled!"

"No way. She's too little."

"Prentiss, I'm telling you. She just smiled at me."

I did! she says. I really did!

"Okay, now she just looks pissed off. But she was smiling at me a second ago, I swear."

"She kind of looks like you when she's pissed off."

"Well, lucky for her, she looks like you when she smiles."

After the bath, she is given food and put back in the bouncer. Mudgie comes back again, looking sad.

I got in trouble for licking your head, he says.

I got a bath because you licked my head, she says. I like baths. I want another one. Lick my head again!

No thanks, says Mudgie. But we can still be friends.

Okay.


5.

Sergio is the one who tells her about the vet.

I heard them saying they're going to take you there, he tells her.

Oh no! Mudgie says. Not the vet!

What happens at the vet? she asks.

Shots, Sergio says.

Medicine, Mudgie says.

She doesn't know what either of them are, but they don't sound pleasant. Food is pleasant. Baths are pleasant. Sleeping on Daddy is pleasant.

The vet: not pleasant.

She doesn't realize how not pleasant the vet is until they put her in the car seat again. THIS IS WRONG, she wails. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU?

Mommy is beside her, patting her middle and saying, "It's okay, honey. It's okay." Usually she likes this, but not today. Not in the car seat.

All the yelling tires her out and when she wakes up, she is empty. Food, she says to her mother, who obliges.

"She's got a great latch," says a voice who is not her mommy and daddy. It must be the vet.

"She is a champion eater," Mommy says.

Champion eater, she thinks. That's who I am.

That's what you are, Sergio corrects her when she tells him later. Not who.

Oh. Then who am I?

I don't really care, he says, and walks away.

You are my tiny master and I love you, Mudgie says. He licks her head.


6.

Sometimes there are other voices. Sergio and Mudgie call them visitors. Visitors have arms which they use to hold her. She decides that she likes some arms, but not all arms. She likes Mommy's and Daddy's arms, because they know how to hold her the way she likes it. She knows they won't drop her.

Some of these visitors don't hold her properly. Sometimes they hold her as if they might drop her, which makes her worried. Please don't drop me, she would say, which usually means the visitor would hand her back to her mommy or daddy.

Her favorite visitor is Jack.

His voice is littler than all the other voices, and at first when Mommy puts her in Jack's arms, she is a little scared. Don't drop me, she says.

"I won't," Jack whispers to her.

You can hear me? she asks, surprised, but the sound that comes out is phhthhbbb.

Mommy reaches over to take her out of Jack's arms, but Jack says, "No, it's okay. She's not crying, see? She's just trying to talk."

"She probably won't be talking for a couple of months, sport," Daddy says.

Fool, she thinks.

"I won't drop you, Beez," Jack says. "I will hold you the tightest-tightest, Beezus."

Beezus, she says to herself later, after Jack has gone away and Mommy has given her food and Daddy puts her on his middle and rubs circles on her back until she starts feeling sleepy.

Beezus.

That's who she is.

And she is home.




THE END.

I feel like I should make a note of the timeline for this universe, except my math is terrible and I just realized that I've been calculating shit wrong this whole time. Anyway, let's pretend Prentiss and Rossi hooked up in Season 4 and Beezus was born between Seasons 5 and 6. This is all very un-scientific, but for the avoidance of doubt, the whole Lauren Reynolds arc did not happen, Doyle does not exist. Carolyn does, but she doesn't have ALS because that's just too depressing and Beezus does not condone that shit. Except apparently Foyet happened and Haley is dead. I am just a jolly ball of contradictions, aren't I.