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kinglearisstupidPart 2 has been revised and updated slightly, so you might want to read that before you carry on with Part 3. I say, to my readership of 2.
It's Rossi who suggests that they swap kids, partly because he's pretty sure taking Beatrice shopping would max out all of his credit cards, but mostly because he's actually scared Emily not might survive another couple of hours with Nate. Besides, he hasn't really gotten a chance to know the boy except for the twenty minutes of a pathetic attempt at getting him interested in baseball yesterday. Nate turned out to be more interested in spotting four-leaf clovers in Rossi's lawn and digging in the dirt for beetles.
Rossi hates malls but he's not about to unleash the little curly-haired ball of terror on his tailor, not when it took him forever to find one who knows how to make a suit that fits him perfectly. He takes Nate to the boys' section at Target, because this is not a kid who appreciates fine clothing. This is a kid who's ruined his entire wardrobe in under twenty-four hours and is perfectly content to wear his sister's Powerpuff Girls shirt without a trace of irony.
Every single shirt has either a dump truck or a bulldozer on it. Or trains. There's a whole section devoted to Thomas the Engine, which Nate shows little interest in. He goes for the rack with Angry Birds instead and chooses one with the yellow bird, which Rossi approves because the red ones are next to useless and he's never quite figured how to use the blue ones to his advantage.
Nate points to whatever piece of clothing he wants and Rossi tosses it into the shopping basket until a saleslady comes and asks, "Would your son like to try them on first? I think 5T might be a little big on him." Rossi is appropriately chagrined for not having thought of that first, but the kid's five, and naturally 5T should fit, right?
It doesn't. Rossi's almost-son is a skinny little thing with no butt and no waist and the 5T jeans droop comically down to his knees. They end up finding a pair of bright red shorts in a 4P, P for petit, poor little bastard, but Nate adores them and lovingly caresses the seahorse appliqued onto one of the legs.
"Did you know that seahorses are the only animals where the daddies carry the babies in their tummies?" Nate asks. "I want to do that when I'm grown up."
The clerk behind the register practically ovulates at this. "Your son is just the sweetest little boy I have ever seen."
Rossi holds his tongue and doesn't mention how the sweet little boy damn near knocked out his teeth yesterday when he was trying to gauge his sister's eyes out.
Otherwise, he's a good kid, Rossi thinks as he cuts the tag off the Angry Birds T-shirt Nate is now wearing. Beatrice can have her shirt back, although according to her, Nate has ruined it forever and she can never wear it again and they might as well toss it into a bonfire. Nate grins at him and Rossi realizes he's looking at Emily's smile. His eyes, yes, his chunky fingers (sorry, kiddo), but definitely Emily's smile and the conversation he and Emily had earlier at McDonald's suddenly creeps up on him.
The moment is short-lived as Nate tugs on his sleeve and announces, "I have to pee! RIGHT NOW!"
Rossi tucks him under one arm like a football and sprints towards the nearest men's room, ruining his new loafers in the process. Just when he thought he has solved one problem, another one hits him over the head like the foam hammer Beezus wanted to buy earlier when they passed by the dollar store.
Nate's too short to reach any of the urinals, and apparently, as the closest thing to his father, Rossi is supposed to fix that. And since he can't magically conjure a tot-sized urinal, the best he can do is hold the kid up while he goes, which is every bit as disastrous as it sounds.
Rossi thinks there are probably blind people with better aim than Nate.
When he imagined having a son, he'd pictured baseball games and hunting trips and teaching his boy how to drive a car. Never did he once imagine himself trying to stop a five-year-old from examining a urinal cake ("DO NOT TOUCH THAT, NATHANIEL!") and observing at the top of his voice, "Daddy, that man has a ring in his penis!"
Emily and Beatrice are waiting outside, Emily looking slightly worse for the wear and Beezus fully decked out in a new dress and matching pink tiara. "What took you guys so long?" Emily asks as Rossi hands the boy back to her.
"You're taking him to the bathroom from now on," he tells her. "I don't care if he turns into Ed Gein. I'm never taking him to the bathroom again."
"I saw a man with a ring in his penis," Nate says to Emily.
"And that is why," Rossi says dryly as Beezus jumps on him and informs him that she, as queen of the universe and outer space and galaxies beyond, has appointed him to be her loyal man-servant.
*
They end up buying Nate his own tiara because Beezus refuses to let him touch hers, which in turn leads to Nate screaming, "I don't want your stupid tiara! I want my own tiara!" and Rossi has figured out the best way to deal with children is the same way you'd deal with a delusional UNSUB: play along.
The shopping and squabbling and public humiliation tire the pint-sized demons out, and they fall asleep on the drive back to Rossi's place. Emily, sitting next to him up front, is leaning against the window with her eyes closed, and from time to time Rossi glances at her, then at the kids in the rearview mirror.
They are pretty damn cute when they are quiet, he's got to admit, but of course, the problem is, they are never quiet.
"You ever thought about having kids?"
Rossi turns to see Emily watching him with a slight smirk and an upturned eyebrow.
"My first wife and I, we thought about it." He shrugs, non-commitally. "Didn't pan out. No regrets there, especially not after today."
Emily snorts. "Admit it, they're growing on you."
"What about you?" he asks, remembering that afternoon in the vacant lot.
She matches his shrug with her own. "The same way I think about winning the lottery and moving to a tropical island where I do nothing but read Vonnegut and drink cocktails all day. Never gonna happen in a million years."
"Never say never." Rossi gestures to the sleeping children in the back seat, and Emily lets out a short laugh.
"Not in this universe anyway." She gives him a wry smile and adds, "And definitely not with you. We've seen what happens."
"Hey, now, they're great kids," he counters, feigning hurt. "The finest genetic specimens."
Emily looks exactly like Beatrice when she rolls her eyes.
*
They manage to maneuver the kids out of the car and back into Rossi's guest bedroom without waking either of them up, which is a miracle if he has ever seen one. Garcia calls to see whether any of them are still alive, and Emily goes out onto the back porch to talk with her while Rossi seizes the chance to take a quick shower.
The bathroom looks like a combat zone after Nate's two baths this morning, but Rossi doesn't care. That's what he has a cleaning lady for. It's the perks of being a millionaire and he always tips generously. He curses under his breath when he steps on one of Nate's Legos and kicks Beezus's rubber alligator out of the way before he steps into the shower.
In thirty seconds, he's got the water running and for the first time in two days, he feels some semblance of sanity. But even as he scrubs himself down, his thoughts keep drifting towards the kids and the fact that, Jesus fucking Christ, he has kids.
He has kids with Emily Prentiss, of all people.
He's a lucky fucking bastard in those two universes, and he sure as hell hopes his other selves know it. Granted, the actual child-raising part must be a prolonged exercise in mental suffering, but the making of said children part must have been incredible.
Rossi feels himself getting hard from the thought of it alone, not just having sex with Prentiss, but having sex with her to make a baby. He closes his eyes and tries to picture it --- Prentiss, with her perfect tits and perky little ass, spread open on his bed, pussy glistening with wetness as she asks him to fuck her, to put a baby in her.
He strokes himself until he's so hard that it almost hurts, his breath hitching as he imagines the way Emily will feel around him, hot and tight and willing, the way she'll clench around him, milking him as he comes in her, his fingers grabbing her hips as he pushes in to the hilt.
His fantasy is interrupted by vicious pounding on the door.
"Daddy! Let me in!"
Thank god he remembered to lock the bathroom door, because he is pretty sure the other Rossi will kill him if Beatrice walked in on him jerking off in the shower.
"Daddy's taking a shower! Go somewhere else!" he yells, leaving out the For fuck's sake, there are four other bathrooms to choose from. Why do you have to pick this one?
"My Waldo book is in there!"
"I'll bring it out to you later!"
Beezus starts to wail and continues banging on the door as she demands her Waldo book back. She is soon joined by Nate, who wants his Lego Darth Vader figure and neither of them understand why Daddy won't let them into the bathroom. Their screams escalate until he hears Emily's worried voice asking, "What's wrong? Rossi? Are you all right in there, Rossi?"
Rossi gives up and makes a mental note to schedule for a vasectomy with his proctologist as soon as the kids have gone back to wherever the hell they came from, because, damn, you can never be too careful.
It's Rossi who suggests that they swap kids, partly because he's pretty sure taking Beatrice shopping would max out all of his credit cards, but mostly because he's actually scared Emily not might survive another couple of hours with Nate. Besides, he hasn't really gotten a chance to know the boy except for the twenty minutes of a pathetic attempt at getting him interested in baseball yesterday. Nate turned out to be more interested in spotting four-leaf clovers in Rossi's lawn and digging in the dirt for beetles.
Rossi hates malls but he's not about to unleash the little curly-haired ball of terror on his tailor, not when it took him forever to find one who knows how to make a suit that fits him perfectly. He takes Nate to the boys' section at Target, because this is not a kid who appreciates fine clothing. This is a kid who's ruined his entire wardrobe in under twenty-four hours and is perfectly content to wear his sister's Powerpuff Girls shirt without a trace of irony.
Every single shirt has either a dump truck or a bulldozer on it. Or trains. There's a whole section devoted to Thomas the Engine, which Nate shows little interest in. He goes for the rack with Angry Birds instead and chooses one with the yellow bird, which Rossi approves because the red ones are next to useless and he's never quite figured how to use the blue ones to his advantage.
Nate points to whatever piece of clothing he wants and Rossi tosses it into the shopping basket until a saleslady comes and asks, "Would your son like to try them on first? I think 5T might be a little big on him." Rossi is appropriately chagrined for not having thought of that first, but the kid's five, and naturally 5T should fit, right?
It doesn't. Rossi's almost-son is a skinny little thing with no butt and no waist and the 5T jeans droop comically down to his knees. They end up finding a pair of bright red shorts in a 4P, P for petit, poor little bastard, but Nate adores them and lovingly caresses the seahorse appliqued onto one of the legs.
"Did you know that seahorses are the only animals where the daddies carry the babies in their tummies?" Nate asks. "I want to do that when I'm grown up."
The clerk behind the register practically ovulates at this. "Your son is just the sweetest little boy I have ever seen."
Rossi holds his tongue and doesn't mention how the sweet little boy damn near knocked out his teeth yesterday when he was trying to gauge his sister's eyes out.
Otherwise, he's a good kid, Rossi thinks as he cuts the tag off the Angry Birds T-shirt Nate is now wearing. Beatrice can have her shirt back, although according to her, Nate has ruined it forever and she can never wear it again and they might as well toss it into a bonfire. Nate grins at him and Rossi realizes he's looking at Emily's smile. His eyes, yes, his chunky fingers (sorry, kiddo), but definitely Emily's smile and the conversation he and Emily had earlier at McDonald's suddenly creeps up on him.
The moment is short-lived as Nate tugs on his sleeve and announces, "I have to pee! RIGHT NOW!"
Rossi tucks him under one arm like a football and sprints towards the nearest men's room, ruining his new loafers in the process. Just when he thought he has solved one problem, another one hits him over the head like the foam hammer Beezus wanted to buy earlier when they passed by the dollar store.
Nate's too short to reach any of the urinals, and apparently, as the closest thing to his father, Rossi is supposed to fix that. And since he can't magically conjure a tot-sized urinal, the best he can do is hold the kid up while he goes, which is every bit as disastrous as it sounds.
Rossi thinks there are probably blind people with better aim than Nate.
When he imagined having a son, he'd pictured baseball games and hunting trips and teaching his boy how to drive a car. Never did he once imagine himself trying to stop a five-year-old from examining a urinal cake ("DO NOT TOUCH THAT, NATHANIEL!") and observing at the top of his voice, "Daddy, that man has a ring in his penis!"
Emily and Beatrice are waiting outside, Emily looking slightly worse for the wear and Beezus fully decked out in a new dress and matching pink tiara. "What took you guys so long?" Emily asks as Rossi hands the boy back to her.
"You're taking him to the bathroom from now on," he tells her. "I don't care if he turns into Ed Gein. I'm never taking him to the bathroom again."
"I saw a man with a ring in his penis," Nate says to Emily.
"And that is why," Rossi says dryly as Beezus jumps on him and informs him that she, as queen of the universe and outer space and galaxies beyond, has appointed him to be her loyal man-servant.
*
They end up buying Nate his own tiara because Beezus refuses to let him touch hers, which in turn leads to Nate screaming, "I don't want your stupid tiara! I want my own tiara!" and Rossi has figured out the best way to deal with children is the same way you'd deal with a delusional UNSUB: play along.
The shopping and squabbling and public humiliation tire the pint-sized demons out, and they fall asleep on the drive back to Rossi's place. Emily, sitting next to him up front, is leaning against the window with her eyes closed, and from time to time Rossi glances at her, then at the kids in the rearview mirror.
They are pretty damn cute when they are quiet, he's got to admit, but of course, the problem is, they are never quiet.
"You ever thought about having kids?"
Rossi turns to see Emily watching him with a slight smirk and an upturned eyebrow.
"My first wife and I, we thought about it." He shrugs, non-commitally. "Didn't pan out. No regrets there, especially not after today."
Emily snorts. "Admit it, they're growing on you."
"What about you?" he asks, remembering that afternoon in the vacant lot.
She matches his shrug with her own. "The same way I think about winning the lottery and moving to a tropical island where I do nothing but read Vonnegut and drink cocktails all day. Never gonna happen in a million years."
"Never say never." Rossi gestures to the sleeping children in the back seat, and Emily lets out a short laugh.
"Not in this universe anyway." She gives him a wry smile and adds, "And definitely not with you. We've seen what happens."
"Hey, now, they're great kids," he counters, feigning hurt. "The finest genetic specimens."
Emily looks exactly like Beatrice when she rolls her eyes.
*
They manage to maneuver the kids out of the car and back into Rossi's guest bedroom without waking either of them up, which is a miracle if he has ever seen one. Garcia calls to see whether any of them are still alive, and Emily goes out onto the back porch to talk with her while Rossi seizes the chance to take a quick shower.
The bathroom looks like a combat zone after Nate's two baths this morning, but Rossi doesn't care. That's what he has a cleaning lady for. It's the perks of being a millionaire and he always tips generously. He curses under his breath when he steps on one of Nate's Legos and kicks Beezus's rubber alligator out of the way before he steps into the shower.
In thirty seconds, he's got the water running and for the first time in two days, he feels some semblance of sanity. But even as he scrubs himself down, his thoughts keep drifting towards the kids and the fact that, Jesus fucking Christ, he has kids.
He has kids with Emily Prentiss, of all people.
He's a lucky fucking bastard in those two universes, and he sure as hell hopes his other selves know it. Granted, the actual child-raising part must be a prolonged exercise in mental suffering, but the making of said children part must have been incredible.
Rossi feels himself getting hard from the thought of it alone, not just having sex with Prentiss, but having sex with her to make a baby. He closes his eyes and tries to picture it --- Prentiss, with her perfect tits and perky little ass, spread open on his bed, pussy glistening with wetness as she asks him to fuck her, to put a baby in her.
He strokes himself until he's so hard that it almost hurts, his breath hitching as he imagines the way Emily will feel around him, hot and tight and willing, the way she'll clench around him, milking him as he comes in her, his fingers grabbing her hips as he pushes in to the hilt.
His fantasy is interrupted by vicious pounding on the door.
"Daddy! Let me in!"
Thank god he remembered to lock the bathroom door, because he is pretty sure the other Rossi will kill him if Beatrice walked in on him jerking off in the shower.
"Daddy's taking a shower! Go somewhere else!" he yells, leaving out the For fuck's sake, there are four other bathrooms to choose from. Why do you have to pick this one?
"My Waldo book is in there!"
"I'll bring it out to you later!"
Beezus starts to wail and continues banging on the door as she demands her Waldo book back. She is soon joined by Nate, who wants his Lego Darth Vader figure and neither of them understand why Daddy won't let them into the bathroom. Their screams escalate until he hears Emily's worried voice asking, "What's wrong? Rossi? Are you all right in there, Rossi?"
Rossi gives up and makes a mental note to schedule for a vasectomy with his proctologist as soon as the kids have gone back to wherever the hell they came from, because, damn, you can never be too careful.
no subject
Date: 2013-04-29 04:26 pm (UTC)I laughed several times as I read this.
no subject
Date: 2013-04-30 01:59 pm (UTC)I'm glad you did, I had so much fun writing the bathroom scene. Poor Rossi.